This is so odd. I wish I could understand how my mind works. I'm pretty good at figuring out how other people tick, but me? not so much. I'm embarrassed about myself right now. It embarrasses me that I feel so weak and vulnerable. Never, not once in my life, can I remember a time when I felt so overwhelmed and discouraged. I am a breast cancer survivor for crying out loud and what I am dealing with right now is worse than anything I endured during treatment. It makes absolutely no sense that I should be ashamed of my "weakness," but I can't help it. I'm supposed to be able to shake it off, keep calm and carry on, right? Instead, I find myself weeping. I curl up in a little ball and try to rock myself to sleep, but nothing helps. Sleep won't come, only pain.
Yesterday morning, I hit a wall. Obviously, I'd rather be at the barn doing chores. I'm comfortable when I'm working. However, the lack of sleep from the nighttime pain got the best of me. I went downstairs, took my handful of meds and drank a cup of coffee. The smell and taste of the coffee was like nectar. I had a small breakfast and then drank another cup. I was still trying to shake off the neuropathy (it generally takes a couple hours to go away completely) and then realized I was asleep in my chair. I quickly drank the rest of my cup and got up for a third (no, this is not something I ever do, but I was desperate). As I was standing there waiting for the Keurig to do it's thing, I began to lose consciousness. I was swaying and almost went down on the floor, but made it to a chair. My arm was throbbing, my head was swimming, my brain was screaming "what the hell is wrong with me!!!!" I crawled to the bathroom and promptly threw up. I haven't vomited since I had morning sickness with Liz.
Poor Harry was so frightened for me. Before he knew what was happening, Liz went to him and said, you have to force Mom to stay home today. She can't come to the barn. She's completely exhausted. That in and of itself, terrified him. He crept into the bathroom to find me still huddled over the toilet whimpering. "Let me take you to bed. You can't go to the barn today." All I said was "I know. I can't do it. I can't go to the barn today."
I never say "I can't." That day I allowed myself to say "I can't." I need help. I'm desperate for help. I hope the doctors all understand just how desperate I am. I'm sure they do, but so far, they can find nothing wrong.
Most of my pain comes at night. It makes me so sad to know "my Louise" is in an even worse state than me. My friend has trigeminal neuralgia. Although I knew she was in pain, I had no idea what kind of pain she was in. Now that I know what this is like, I can't imagine the torture she's enduring. Like me, she's a cancer survivor. Like me, she's too young for this crap. Is this the life we have to look forward to? I hope the answer is a huge "NO!"